Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of
the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over
the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..
A three second burst would be considered
IT HURT LIKE
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself,
but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I
saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my
hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the
gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!